Holidays carry weight. Even in good years, they hold expectations of togetherness, tradition, and joy. When you're grieving, that weight can feel impossible to carry. The empty chair at the table, the song on the radio, the absence of someone who used to make the holiday feel like home — these are predictable, and that doesn't make them less painful.
The First Holiday Is the Hardest
That's not always true, but it often is. The first time around, every tradition is a fresh ambush. Subsequent years aren't free of grief, but they tend to be less surprising. Naming this can help you set realistic expectations for yourself.
Permission to Do Less
You are allowed to skip parties. To send fewer cards. To order takeout instead of cooking. To leave early. To stay home. Grief is exhausting on a physical level, and pretending otherwise drains a reservoir that doesn't refill quickly. Whatever traditions you keep, keep on purpose — not out of obligation.
Make Space for Their Memory, Intentionally
Avoiding the loss usually backfires. Naming it tends to bring relief. Some practices that help:
- Light a candle at the start of the meal
- Share a story or favorite memory aloud
- Cook one of their dishes
- Keep an empty seat — or, if that's too much, an object that represents them
- Donate to a cause they cared about
Even one of these can change the whole tone of the day.
Plan for the Moments That Will Hit Hard
Sit down before the holiday and identify the moments that worry you — the song that always played, the first toast, midnight, the morning after. Have a plan for each: someone to text, a place to step away to, a phrase you can say out loud to give yourself a moment. Planning ahead doesn't prevent the pain. It does keep you from being capsized by it.
Watch for Complicated Grief
Most grief, even profound grief, slowly changes shape. When grief stays acute for a long time, when it's accompanied by inability to function, persistent guilt, or thoughts of joining the person who died, it has crossed into complicated grief — and that's a place where therapy can really help.
You Don't Have to Get Through It Alone
Grief therapy isn't about getting over the loss. It's about finding a way to carry it that doesn't consume you. If the holidays are bringing more than you can hold, please reach out. You don't have to do this by yourself.